Later this evening, the music industry’s brightest stars will grace the red carpet for a night of glamorous people with little to no musical talent, and their talented producers. More importantly, it will be an opportunity for the music industry to show they are still relevant…to fans of awards shows.
So in my ever-lasting quest to inform and enlighten you, my dear reader(s), I have decided to give you this exclusive preview of what I believe will happen during tonight’s star-studded night of studded stars.
The entrance to the building in which the show/ceremony/drunken pre-orgy will be filmed will be called by almost every media outlet as “The Red Carpet”. Coincidentally, that entrance will also be carpeted with a red carpet. Hard-hitting journalists from E, TMZ, Inside Edition, US Weekly, People, and even tabloid journalists like ABC, NBC, and CBS will line either side of the entry way just hoping to get an interview with the people they tell you are worth interviewing.
My prediction? One of the nominees will be asked by one of these fantastic journalists, “Who are you wearing?” Contrary to what the layperson might believe, those of us in the know do not believe the question refers to murderers who wear the skin of their victims. No, the question asks which designer of garments made a garment for them to wear so that awards show fans will see how good said nominee looks in said garment, and will mistakenly believe that if they (the fan) buys a garment from said designer that they (the fan) too could look ultra-glamorous. The fact that said designer’s garments aren’t sold at WalMart, (the official shopping destination of awards show fans) does not seem to be a consideration.
I can tell by the way you’re reading this that you want more predictions. Well, be careful what you wish for because I’m about to blow your mind(s).
- A winner/nominee of the award from a previous year will perform at some point during the show.
- An award winner will act surprised when the presenters call their name, but the act will be very unconvincing.
- A nominee who was not selected to win will attempt to graciously accept their defeat and display congratulations to the winner, but will also fail at doing so convincingly.
- 12 year-old girls will be heavily invested in the results.
- A winner’s thank you speech will be rushed or even cut-short.
- A presenter, host, winner, or nominee will appear to be heavily intoxicated.
- A presenter will read a joke from a teleprompter, to hardly any laughs.
- One of the nominees will have to share 12.5% of the royalties from the song for which that nominee was nominated, because he took another song’s melody line, and transposed it. Oh wait..that already happened. And yet, the nomination will stand.
- Television will be devoid of any interesting content for the entire day.
- A presenter or other speaker will talk about some charity/humanitarian bullshit to make it seem as if they aren’t just there for the publicity and awards show baskets full of free stuff that would bankrupt an average household.
- I won’t be watching.
I have a very good feeling about these. While I’m not what you would call a psychic or anything, I do feel I am deeply attuned to the energy of awards shows. The vibration the “Aren’t we so awesome? Let’s pat each other on the back.” shows send out through the universe just reverberate within my soul. And if I have my circle of crystals set up with the candles around me at just the right time, I can feel those energies and channel them for you.
I can assure you, my dear reader(s) that the vast majority of these things will occur. I know this based on energy, not on the fact that EVERY FUCKING AWARDS SHOW IS THE SAME BUNCH OF CRAP EVERY YEAR.
So as you’re at your viewing party, because either you have no life, you work in the entertainment industry, you’re an alcoholic and will take any excuse to party, or you like them for some horrible reason, feel free to shock and amaze your friends/co-workers/casual acquaintances/strangers except for your one friend who dragged you there and you only went because you’re desperate to find someone to hook up with-with my amazing predictions. Be sure to reveal, after most if not all have come true, that you got them from my post, and encourage (threaten) them to like and follow my blog-type-thing. (or else)
Remember, I am attuned to awards show energy, therefore, I also am attuned to what happens at awards show viewing parties. So if you don’t encourage people to follow my blog-type-thing, I’ll know.
And one day, when you least expect it, maybe while you’re in the middle of an important conversation, I’ll be there, playing the music louder and louder until you’re forced to leave the stage.
Stay tuned later tonight as I don’t live-blog myself not watching the show!