7 Ways To Make Your Blog Invisible

Hello dear reader(s)!  (dramatic pause)  On this beautiful day I would like to impart my knowledge as one of the interweb’s leading blog-type-thingers for those of you suffering from too many page views, too many comments, and worst of all – too many followers.  You see, having page views, comments and followers can lead to many destructive things such as high self-esteem, success, and fun.  Comments can lead to a feeling of obligation to read and possibly even like or reply, page views can cause stress by knowing you are not just writing into the void, and followers can lead to getting to know someone’s online personality and perhaps even develop into feelings of respect and/or admiration.  All of these leads you dangerously down the path of actual human interaction.

So, as a service to you, my dear reader(s), I present to you, my 7 Ways To Make Your Blog Invisible.  (applause)

  1. Try not to use images very often, and if you do, make certain they have no relation to the subject you are writing about.  As an example, here is a picture of my old drum set that has absolutely nothing to do with the subject of this post.  Notice the bad cropping to make it fit as a previous theme’s header image.  Do not fix this, it will only make the image better.

    Previous header image
    Previous header image
  2. Pay very close attention to the stats page that WordPress provides.  Now, you are going to get some views unless you make your blog private, (but who wants to do all that clicking?) so notice the days where your counts are their lowest.  Make sure to post any possibly interesting material on those days.  Also, if you notice certain subjects seem to perform better than others, make sure to never touch on those subjects again.
  3. Know your followers.  If someone follows you, make sure you check out their page.  If their subject matter is enjoyable to you, bookmark their page on your browser.  DO NOT FOLLOW THEM.  You are not going to succeed at keeping your blog invisible by building relationships, are you?  Just bookmark their page so you can stalk their content in secret.  People like being followed and may check out your posts if you have followed them after they followed you, so it is imperative not to follow.
  4. Make sure that the title of your blog is in no way relevant to you or the content of your blog.  A good example is “My Friday Blog” started by some weirdo who thought he was going to post his thoughts about the things that occurred during the week every Friday, but quickly decided he didn’t like that, or couldn’t.  Now, if he wanted to attract visitors, he should change the name, but obviously he must not (or he could be a stubborn idiot).  If your title is catchy, or relevant to the subject matter you post about, people may be drawn to it, and you wouldn’t want that.
  5. Be certain to post as inconsistently as possible.  A good way to accomplish this is to make a post telling your dear reader(s) that you will post with a specific frequency (let’s say, every Friday), then stop for months or only post sporadically (do not blame your cancer, you could have still posted as you were near-death if you were really serious).  Then when you begin posting again make a new post that will change the frequency to…let’s just say daily for the sake of this post.  Then post daily, and sometimes multiple times a day, but at varying hours.  This will keep your reader(s) off-guard and eventually may help them to lose interest.
  6. Do NOT post with any intent or theme.  Some blogging experts will tell you that sticking to one subject or style isn’t necessarily required to be successful, and that is true.  There are many successful blogs out there that have varying subject matter and styles.  But they have to work much harder to reach that level of success.  A niche blog is automatically going to draw readers interested in that particular subject.  And what don’t we want?  (wait for the audience to answer)  That’s right, readers.  So throw out a poem here, an opinion essay there, a post intended to be humorous but one that really isn’t very funny at all, a scathing critique of people of all political and religious as well as the staunchly non-religious believers – whatever you can do to make people not want to visit again.
  7. Donut proofreed inee ov tha posts that you right.  Try vary hard too include ass many type ohs and grammattickal airers ass ewe kan.  Maik shur thatt yer reeders half too stuggal juzt too tri an figgyer owt wut yew r triying too saa.  Instead of calling yourself a loser, make sure to use looser instead.  Rather than talking about your blog, talk about you’re blog.  Instead of writing about their site, write about there site.  When extolling the virtues of some artistic genius, such as Paris Hilton, make sure to write about her amazing talent using a mix of capital and lower case letters so you can further alienate anyone with a brain.  (Example:  i LuV pAriS hiLTon cUZ She HaS suCH PREttY plAStiC sKin!!! <3)  Also, be sure to pepper your posts with liberal amounts of meaningless emoticons.  When speaking of an accomplishment, make sure to follow it up with a 😦 and when writing about something sad, I like to throw in a :D.  Anything you can do to keep people from possibly getting to know you.

Those are my 7 Ways To Make Your Blog Invisible.  I want to assure you that these methods have been tested and deemed successful.  Well, most of them.  What type of things do you recommend to keep your blog invisible?  Please leave your ideas in the Comments Section, although, if you do, I will find your page, and you may defeat the purpose.

My Best Event

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We Are In Trouble

Hello dear reader(s).  As the regular reader(s) of this blog-type-thing may already be aware, I typically lean a little to the left in most of my politics.  Not all, but most.  That said, I don’t fall into the all-too-common trap of believing those with opposing views are idiotic, as I know there are different perspectives to view the world through, and some people may place more importance on certain issues than I do.  I was considering calling this post “Why I’m Not A Democrat”, but then I’d be writing a 12,000 word essay about the corruption and corporate control of both political parties, the failure of leaders to come together on even the most basic responsibilities to the citizens, and so on.

So instead I’d like to write to you about the polarization and vitriol in this country, and how we as citizens have a responsibility to calm the fuck down, try to look at things from the point of view of our opponents, and work together where possible.  For those readers outside the US, perhaps you could apply this to your government as well, provided it is nearing or as non-functional as ours.

  1. Try not to get offended so easily.  Yesterday I wrote a wildly successful post seen by literally ones of people, called, “For Men:  How To Get A Date With A Woman“.  Now, you would figure that, by listing my qualifications to give advice on the subject, I listed my GED, that one reading would realize the post was intended to be humorous, but if you read one of the comments, that is clearly not the case.  Let me give you some background on the portion of the post one of the commentators took offense to:  The regular reader(s) of this blog-type-thing would know that I am a huge fan of the UK television show Coupling.  In my post yesterday, I referenced an episode where Jeff (perhaps the most awkward character ever in television) accidentally tells a woman he is interested in that he has only one leg.  He has both legs.  Unfortunately, it was the worst lie he could tell because her brother lost a leg, and she suddenly took interest in him for “being so brave”.  You can guess the hijinks that ensued.  Anyway, if you read the comment, you can see that this person thought (more like jumped to the conclusion) that I was saying there was something wrong with only having one leg.  Yeah…because I of all people would make fun of someone with a disability.  Additionally, because this is the internet, he had to be Mr. Tough Guy and tell me that 5,000 war vets wanted to kick my ass.  Then he proceeded to tell me how my advice was all wrong and it should just be natural.  As if A.  It was meant to be taken seriously.  And B.  Nobody ever suffers from social anxiety or psyches themselves out of the dating game.  Seriously?  And then he wondered why I gave him the brush off so soon, but that comment is in the trash.  Done.
  2. Don’t make fun of those with differing views.  One of the reasons I can’t stand many of the people who participate in politics is their tendency to make fun of other people with different beliefs.  Here is an example:  I, personally, believe our military has not been properly used since World War 2.  I know of no other situation where the men and women who signed up to protect our country actually had to, since then.  Some of the people who agree with me on that, take it further and think that the men and women who sign up are either stupid for allowing themselves to be misused, or evil for joining a force that kills people for reasons other than the defense of this country.  I’m sorry, but the people who say that, are assholes.  I have nothing but respect for those who join the military.  Most of them do believe that they are there to defend this country and freedom, and they aren’t stupid for continuing to believe that is what they are doing.  Have they been misled sometimes?  That is debatable.  Does that make them stupid?  No.  The argument could be made that by even being in the military, by even having that force, they are automatically protecting this country because a real, take-over type of attack would not succeed with our military capabilities.  So quit bashing my friends in uniform, you damn libtards.  (See, I’m mostly liberal, so I can say that.)  On the flip-side, just because someone believes in social responsibility and safety-nets, does not make them libtards who want to take your guns.
  3. I propose we all write the corporate representatives in our Congress, but before that, we come up with a list.  We can put it on the internet and allow people to vote on it and contribute to it.  The list will have 3 columns.  Things we agree on and you should push through for the sake of your heads.  Things that will take some compromise but we’d like to see some progress toward.  Things that are off the table and you shouldn’t waste time on. 

Things we agree on and you should push through for the sake of your heads.

Investment in rebuilding the infrastructure of this country with an eye on shoring up bridges and elevated structures.  Investment in alternative transportation modes to take some pressure off of our roadway system.  Mandatory hiring of US workers to complete these projects.  Increased veteran’s benefits.

Things that will take some compromise but we’d like to see some progress toward.

Investment in clean and renewable energy.  Better oversight of government spending with real penalties for when funds are misused.  A reform to the allocation process (wherein currently a government agency actually purposely wastes money if under budget so that their next period’s allocation won’t be smaller).  Negotiation power with pharmaceutical companies to lower healthcare costs, like many countries already do.  Tax penalties for US companies that offshore their workforce.  Tariffs for those companies that move their headquarters offshore or have overseas subsidiaries in order to dodge US taxes.  Penalties as a percentage of assets for companies that violate the law, so that small businesses aren’t hurt unfairly and big companies can’t get away with violating regulations in order to save cost.

Things that are off the table and you shouldn’t waste time on. 

Abortion.  Corporate bailouts.

Those are just some of my ideas if I ran the country.  What do you think?  What would you add or take away from the list?  Let me know, but no abuse or threats, please.

For Men: How To Get A Date With A Woman

(c) Joshua Wrenn and his awesome Google draw skills.
(c) Joshua Wrenn and his awesome Google draw skills.

For this post we would like to welcome back self-proclaimed relationship expert Joshua Wrenn, GED.  Joshua’s insights into relationships and marriage has been instrumental in the happiness of couple(s) all over the condo, and the house before that, and the other house, and the motor home.  

Josh:  Welcome back, Joshua.  It is so lovely of you to join us here today.

Joshua:  Are you hitting on me?  You should know I’m married.  Besides, you’re not exactly my type, if you catch what I’m throwing down.

Josh:  Um, no…I was simply thanking you for taking time out of your very busy schedule and fascinating life in order to help the lonely reader(s) of this blog-type-thing in the world of dating.

Joshua:  That sounded like another come-on.  Seriously, I’m not interested.

Josh:  Um, how about we just get started, okay?

Joshua:  Fine by me, just try not to focus on my body, got it?

Josh:  So, what makes you qualified to give advice on dating considering that you are happily married.

Joshua:  Aside from the GED after my name?  How about the fact that I wasn’t always married and had to get to this point somehow, Poindexter.  How about that?  I’m not going to keep coming here if you are jut going to try and hit on me and then insult my qualifications when faced with rejection.

Josh:  I’m sorry, how about you just take over now?

Hello fellow men, I am Joshua Wrenn, GED.  I have dated quite a bit, am married now, was married once before, dated between those two marriages and watch a lot of TV and movies.  In addition, I read a lot of blogs and articles on the interwebs about what both women and men are looking for in the dating world and I have developed exclusive strategies to help you out.  Now, what I will be presenting to you are the most basic strategies that should help you get started in successful dating, but if you really want happiness, you can order my seminar DVD for the low cost of 3 easy payments of just 99.95 plus shipping and handling.  I want to make a special point to say that this advice is for heterosexual men seeking heterosexual women, as they seem to be the two types of relationships portrayed on television, and therefore available for the study that goes into this.  If you are not a heterosexual man looking for a heterosexual woman, you can choose to use any advice you please, but keep in mind that I am not responsible for any problems that arise.  I also would like to state that my lack of responsibility applies to the heterosexual population as well, because I don’t want to get sued, regardless of who you love.

  1. Women owe you nothing.  Before you even go out for the night, repeat this in your head over and over again enough times until you get it,  If a woman isn’t interested, there is nothing wrong with her.  She is not a bitch, or a whore, or a slut, or a (insert other derogatory term used by hard-up men here).  There might be nothing wrong with you either though.  Think about it, are you interested in everyone?  (If so, you might want to get that checked out.)
  2. Confidence is key.  Confidence.  Not cockiness.  There is a difference.  Learn it.  Use it.  Know it.  Love it.  You don’t want to go up to a woman and tell her all the ways you believe you are God’s gift to women, but you don’t want to accidentally tell her you collect ears in a bucket, or that you only have one leg.  You don’t need a line, just don’t be afraid to strike up a conversation.  Notice something, compliment.  Notice something other than her body.  Don’t forget your name.
  3. Follow cues.  Once you have begun small-talk, listen for words in her answers to basic questions that you can ask more about.  Try to expand on those.  Listen for things she likes to do to see if you have anything in common.  If you are looking for anything more than just a one night stand, don’t pretend to be interested in the things she is.  This goes double if you know absolutely nothing about the subject.
  4. Leave her wanting more.  Before the awkward silence as you search for more things to talk to her about, ask for that number.  If you’ve been talking pretty steady up to this point, you stand a pretty good chance.  Remember if she doesn’t give it to you, just tell her it was nice talking to her then, and move on.  There are plenty more fish in the sea of women, where the fishes are women in this instance.  Not fish.  Don’t go for the fish.
  5. Wait two days to call.  If you really need to contact her before that, a text can be acceptable the next day, but should be no more complicated than, “Was nice meeting you.  Looking forward to getting to know you.”  Anything more and you look desperate or clingy, which works for some women, but not the ones you want.  Trust me.
  6. You got a date, now what?  Don’t take her to the movies.  You want to talk, right?  Do you like people who talk during movies?  Neither do I.  You will sit in silence looking at a screen.  You could do that with your pants around your ankles at home.  Try coffee, or if you really like her, a meal of some kind.  Nothing too fancy, unless you want to appear desperate or clingy again.  You don’t.  By now, you know she likes you enough to go out somewhere with you, so you should be relaxed and have enough time to think of things to converse about.  Don’t be afraid to open up a bit.  Pay special attention to her body language.  If she touches you a lot, she is likely interested.  If she is fixing her hair, pointing an extremity in your direction, sitting close to you, chances are she likes you.  If, however she is scowling at you, sitting as far as possible from you, looking for escape routes, flipping you off, vomiting whenever you speak…then this should probably be your last date, or you should take her to a hospital.
  7. If you go all the way.  If you decide to have sex, and enjoyed it, and she seemed to, and you get the feeling that you’d both like to see each other again, try not to get up and leave as soon as you finish.  Don’t leave any money on the nightstand, most women don’t appreciate that gesture.  If you both had a good time and still seem interested well after, and if you don’t have any sudden unexplained itching and sores in the places the condom didn’t cover, make sure to do something nice to let her know you would like to see her again.  You could send flowers (NOT ROSES!) with a little note that you had a great time with her and are looking forward to seeing her again.  You could send a simple text telling her how you can’t get her out of your mind.  The possibilities are endless.
  8. If all she wanted was a one night stand from you.  She is not a whore, she is not a slut.  She is simply someone who isn’t looking for a relationship with you.  She does not owe you anything.  Simply walk your walk of pride, hold your head up, and move on to the next fish (woman) in the sea (usually land).

It’s that easy, now go out and try these tonight.  Use protection.  Check for sores.

The Neighbors *NSFW*

The neighbors had their phones in hand.  They were ready to make the call that would bring the police to the scene that was unfolding across the wall.  They weren’t nosy people, and hated to get involved, but they just couldn’t ignore what they were hearing.

The voices were loud in volume, but muffled by the walls to make out the words.  But then the banging started.  Louder and louder, accompanied by screams from the woman.  The pictures on the wall barely clung to their hooks as the shaking and banging continued.  Finally, the banging stopped, but just before it did, they heard the man yell something unintelligible followed by, “Fuck you!”  Then silence.

The neighbor pushed the final 1 on the phone, and was connected to dispatch.  “I think my neighbors just had a fight, and I think the man hurt his wife;” she started, and then proceeded to describe the sounds she heard.  The dispatcher advised her they were sending an officer out.

“I’ve got to clean up this blood,” the man on the other side of the wall thought to himself.  He looked down at the mess that was left, shocked at the disheveled look of his bed, and the body lying upon it.

“I’m sorry,” his wife whimpered, noticing he was looking at the mess.  “I think you may have restarted me.”

“I guess that’s what happens when I just can’t wait,” he chuckled to her as a sly smile widened across his face.  “Do you want to hop in the shower with me?  I need to clean up.”

“No,” began his exhausted, yet utterly satisfied wife, “I’m just going to fall asleep, I think.  You relaxed me,” she cooed.

As he made his way toward the bathroom, his wife called out to him, “Can you throw me a tampon from in there?  You definitely did restart me.”

He reached into the box and pulled out her last tampon, then walked over to the bed to hand it to her.  “You’re out of lady-products,” he told her.

“Lady products?  What are you, five?” she giggled.

“Yes, you just had sex with a five year-old.  Pedophile,” he joked.

He left her lying in the bed and made his way back to the bathroom.  He turned on the water, waited for it to reach optimum temperature, and stepped into the shower, singing his shower song as he scrubbed his body clean.  “You’re nobody ’till somebody cares.  You may be king, you may possess all the world and its gold…”  It was the singing that kept him from hearing the battering ram take down his front door.

His wife wasn’t awoken from her slumber until the flash-bang landed at the bedside.  Stunned, she opened her eyes to police in SWAT gear with their assault rifles pointed at her head.  Dazed from her post-sex slumber, she couldn’t immediately understand the commands they were shouting, and soon found herself on the business end of a TASER.  Suddenly, she was hearing, “Stop resisting!” as her body convulsed from the voltage.  They quickly had her pinned to the ground and handcuffed.  She thought to herself that this is not the way she wanted to end up naked and handcuffed this evening.

He heard the commotion and rushed from the bathroom to see the police standing around and shouting at his handcuffed wife on the ground.  Before he could ask, “What the fuck is going on?”, he was hit by a beanbag shot from a shotgun right in the testicles.  He immediately dropped to his knees in pain.

“Turn around!” shouted the cop.

Not one to fight against someone who would shoot him in the nuts with a beanbag, he turned around as instructed.

“Place your hands behind your head, interlock your fingers, and scoot backward toward the sound of my voice,” instructed the cop.

Again, he did as instructed.  As he got close enough, they cuffed him, and pulled him over to where his wife was on the ground.  They sat them up against the bed and the questioning began.

At first the police did not believe the couple, but, finding no bruises or cuts on either of them, and not finding any evidence of a crime, the police sheepishly apologized.  Well, most of them apologized.  One hard-ass had to say, “Well, we could book you on a noise disturbance.  I hope you’ve learned your lesson and will keep it down from now on.”

“Yes sir, we’ll move the headboard back from the wall as soon as you leave,” the young man replied.

And as the cops left, the young couple looked at each other and busted out laughing.  They thought about the things that must have been going through the minds of the neighbors as they were enjoying their night of passion.  They thought they should go over and apologize, but then thought of the embarrassment they suffered and decided against it.

So they put the bed even closer to the wall, she removed her “lady product” and they decided to go for round 2, with extra volume this time.

Refinished

She waits
Just one of a million others
Exactly the same

It isn’t her
The layers were applied
With good intentions

Fitting in
An easier existence
Goes with everything

A keen eye
Sees something
Under glossy veneer

Take her
Remove the layers
Get to her core

She stands before you
Naked
Beautiful

She cries out
Pleading for color
A new life

Unique
Dark and complex
Enhancing, not obscuring

Revealed and exposed
Her true self is born
She is refinished

I Want To Believe

Hello my dear reader(s).  If you have read my blog-type-thing because you enjoy pain, you may have noticed that I am not a particularly religious person.  It isn’t that I don’t believe there are forces we don’t understand, because science has proven that there are.  I just really have a hard time buying into the words.  I dislike people who use literal interpretations of their religion’s texts, because they just aren’t logically possible, if interpreted literally.  I also have a problem believing that there can be completely conflicting religious experiences depending on the geographic region one was born in, and that those experiences are somehow incompatible and that only believers of religion A are right and believers of religion B are going to burn because they don’t accept that some guy who basically contradicted every stupid piece of dogma his father set up isn’t their savior.  I also despise people who claim to be followers of the son, yet stick with the rules set by the father, that the son basically nullified.  I despise anyone who would kill for their idea of what is right in a place that nobody can be sure exists beyond this Earth.  Killing people is wrong on this Earth.  If you have to defend yourself, I suppose it isn’t as bad, but to kill someone because their idea of what may happen after we die differs from yours is just insane.  Hurting people is wrong.  Doing something to someone you would not like done to you is wrong.  You don’t need religion to tell you that, you just need empathy.

But here is something you may not know about me.  I really, really WANT to believe.  I WANT to believe that there is a reason I got cancer.  I want to believe that there is a reason I grew up poor, am unable to work so will likely remain somewhat poor, and there are rich and powerful people who are allowed to use their money to hurt people while so many good people suffer in poverty and illness.  I want to believe that some people are born into literal shit-holes run by evil despots and suffer a short, painful life, or worse, live a long painful life, but that there is some grand design for that to make the suffering worthwhile.  I want to believe that a mother loses her life and leaves behind a grieving, broken family for a reason.

Because if there was some design, some scheme to it all, I could completely and utterly hate the being carrying out this little plan.  Because making someone suffer with grief, loss, poverty and illness to send a message is terrorism.  So if some being is pulling the strings up there, I think that being is a terrorist.

But maybe those who suffer most will be rewarded in the afterlife that may or may not exist.  Maybe all these poor, starving or sick children will be at complete and total piece if they manage to get through this bullshit test on this particular rock.  But what kind of sick fuck would test someone like that anyway?  Well, Marvin, your family was wiped out by a government death squad, you live in a desert where there is no food and little water, the government or some corrupt war-lord is hijacking the humanitarian shipments that may keep you from starving to death, the children’s charities are being forced to pull-out due to the danger of the situation, your friends were kidnapped and used as sex slaves, and you won’t make it to your 14th birthday.  But because you accepted me into your heart, you get to live in peace now.  Congratulations.

Hey Judy, that breast cancer we got rid of with that awful chemotherapy, the radiation, and the double mastectomy?  Well, now it is ovarian cancer and it is aggressive.  We are going to have to subject your broken body to more treatment in order to stop or slow its progress.  Wow, it is a miracle, the PET scan shows that we managed to get rid of that cancer too.  You are one strong person to live through all of this.  To have what should be the best years of your life sick from treatment and stuck in a hospital.  Hey, Judy, on your follow-up, we found some troubling results.  You have liver cancer and it has metastasized all over your body, including your brain.  There is nothing we can do to save you, but could try chemotherapy to prolong your life another couple of months if you wish to go through it.  Either way, the average survival for someone in your situation is 6 months.  You will gradually lose control over your body and be in constant pain.  Don’t think about taking your life to end this suffering though, because it is a sin and you will spend the rest of eternity burning in Hell.  Have a nice day.

But, according to the books, this life is not the life that matters anyway.  It is just a small part of the grand journey.  In the books, if you do the right thing, like condemning people who don’t follow your book, you will be at peace forever.  That sounds great.  I want to believe that.  Well, not the condemning others part, but the eternal peace if you don’t go out of your way to screw people over part.  But it just doesn’t add up to me.  There are too many contradictions, too many logical inconsistencies.  People of faith tell me that logic shouldn’t apply, that I just need faith to overcome that lack of logic.  Of course, these same people pick and choose the portions of the texts they want to live by.

I want all of you to be at peace, but I don’t want to wait until we die to get there.  I don’t share your faith that our consciousness remains once our body and brain goes.  It could, we could live on in an alternate universe or something, but why wouldn’t we be conscious there right now?  At any rate, whether you believe or not, I ask you, why not strive for peace now?  If you aren’t being hurt, why not let people live and do their thing.  Why should your God object?  If people are hurting other people and you can stop it, go for it.  But aside from that, let people choose the course of their lives, with the same rights afforded to you.

I want to believe, but only if it means that in the afterlife I get to be away from you judgmental religious people.