As we are in a particularly nasty cold and flu season, and as I have quite a lot of experience with being home sick or hospitalized…I have decided, as a service to you, my dear readers, to impart my expertise on staying sane and entertained while home sick in bed, or in a hospital bed, or on the couch, or perhaps a recliner, etc…
You will note I have included a picture of one of my kitties sleeping. This isn’t just because she’s adorable, it is a visual aid for one of the tips I will be imparting unto you later in this post. But we’ll get to that later. For now, just note the picture of her. Note it! Okay, have you noted the picture? Good. Let’s move on, shall we?
For this lesson, you will need the following supplies:
- A comfy pillow
- A warm blanket
- A smartphone or laptop
- A television (optional, but preferred)
- Google Chromecast (unnecessary without the television)
- A Netflix subscription
- A microwave or water kettle
- A cup for hot water
- Thera-Flu or Alka-Seltzer Cold Hot Water Stuff or whatever they call it
- Saltine crackers
- Chicken noodle soup
- Cats or fluffy dogs
- Ginger Ale
- Pajamas or sweatpants
If you don’t have the supplies on this list beg your significant other, mommy, or alternate caretaker to acquire them for you. If you are your own caretaker and don’t have these supplies, some of the instructions may not apply to you, so just follow along where you can. Also, remember this every time you tell people how much you love being single. Not so fun now, is it?
Step 1: Put on your pajamas or sweatpants, & find a comfortable place* in view of your television (if you have one) where you can lay down. Place your comfy pillow, blanket, & (if possible) cat(s) or fluffy dog(s) on the comfortable place you chose. *Possible comfortable places include beds, couches, recliners, or even certain soft floors. Make sure you can lay down somewhat.
Step 2: Arrange remaining supplies as close to you as possible, with the exception of the microwave or hot water kettle, chicken soup, & hot water (for now). Also, if you’re using the optional television, don’t get too close as it isn’t easy on the eyes.
Step 3: Using your smartphone or laptop, access the internet and open Netflix. If you have television, make sure your Google Chromecast is working and ready. (This lesson does not give instructions on connecting to the internet or using Chromecast as those instructions should come from the devices used.) Once you have accessed Netflix, search for and find “*Coupling”. Begin watching seasons 1-3. Do NOT watch season 4! Jeff (Richard Coyle) is no longer on the show, & the writing is stale. Pretend the show ended after the third season. * Note, the show you will be watching is from the UK, therefore it may take some time to adapt to the language. Don’t be afraid, let it in. (Helpful hint: A torch is a flashlight.)
Step 4: You’re sick, what are you doing? You need rest. For God’s sake, take a nap! Cuddle up with your comfy pillow, blanket, & cat(s) or fluffy dog(s).* * Refer to picture if you are confused.
Step 5: Upon waking, nibble on some saltines, & sip some Ginger Ale.
Step 6: Repeat Step 4.
Step 7: Upon waking, beg your significant other, mommy, or caretaker* to heat some water, (either in a kettle or microwave), and mix in the Thera-Flu or Alka-Seltzer Cold Stuff with the newly heated water. Allow to cool enough that it won’t scald you, and drink it. As you drink it, be sure to note the gritty mouth-feel. Be sure to enjoy the Lemon-Pledge-like aroma, & savor the mediciney aftertaste. *If you don’t have a significant other, mommy, or caretaker, you will have to get up, heat the water, & prepare the medicine drink yourself. As you wipe away the tears, be sure to reflect on your life choices.
Step 8: Repeat Step 4.
Step 9: Upon waking, access Netflix, & watch a stand-up comedy special. Tom Segura is hilarious.
Step 10: Beg your significant other, mommy, or caretaker* to make some chicken noodle soup for you. This may involve just opening a can or preparing it from scratch and heating it, but either will do. * Once again, if you don’t have a significant other, mommy, or caretaker, you will have to get up and make your own chicken soup. You can remember this the next time you are bragging about the single life on your social media pages.
Step 11: Go to https://myfridayblog.wordpress.com, & read my critically acclaimed blog-type-thing, which has been clinically proven* to shorten the duration of your symptoms. * This statement has not been evaluated by the FDA. This blog-type-thing is not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent any disease.
Step 12: Go to bed.
Repeat these steps as necessary until you feel better. Your sanity will remain intact in the absence of other factors, and eventually, you will feel better. (provided your illness isn’t terminal or there are no other co-morbidities)