Not Down With the Sickness

Okay dear reader(s), decided that I would revamp this little blog-type-thing.  

No more recapping the week, just posting on Fridays.  Seemed like a good idea at the time, ’till I realized that most days were just too boring to mention.  

So, what is new with you?  How have you been?  Is your family doing well?  It’s been so long.

With the pleasantries out of the way, how about we get down to business?

Today I have been thinking about life and death quite a bit.  More specifically, I have been thinking about people who have given up on life, but still live.  A couple of events have triggered this line of thinking.  They are, in no particular order:

  • The tragic shooting in Aurora, CO at the Dark Knight Rises premier, and…
  • The tragic trip I took to Wal Mart today

In case you weren’t aware, I am sick.  I have something going on in my blood and/or bone marrow that is kicking my ass lately.  The results from the sudden surprise bone marrow test last Tuesday are expected back at my next appointment in a couple days, and I am just hoping that whatever they find won’t kill me anytime soon, and that it is something I can fight and win against or at least manage for another 5-7 or so decades.  You see, I like living.  It is hard as fuck most of the time.  I struggle on a daily basis to get through, and if I’m honest, I would say the good times are outnumbered by the bad.  And yet, when it is good, it is sooooo good,  When my bills are paid, it isn’t too hot, I’m behind my drum kit playing, or outside on a beach with Hannah, or hanging out with my friends watching a band, or lying down in bed on a quiet morning, or cracking up with my family on the phone, or going on a little road trip, or a million other little things that make my life worth living, all of the crap I’ve fought through to have those moments seem to be worth it.  

And that makes me ask this question:  What the fuck is wrong with people?!?!?!  

Everyone knows that I despise Reno.  I have gone off about the climate, the dirt, the meth heads, the lack of things to do, pretty much every aspect.  But it wasn’t until I had to go to Wal Mart today (don’t hate, I have medical bills up the Sam’s Club), that I realized the real reason.  With the exception of just a few, this town is full of people who have given up.  Not only have they given up on their community, their sense of responsibility, their hygiene, but they have given up on living.  Yes, people give up everywhere, but not nearly everyone in an entire city.  (not even Detroit)

So I’m at Wal Mart.  Now, for a little background, I get dizzy every time I stand up.  It passes after about a minute, but really sucks.  Also, I get winded walking around a store the size of Wal Mart lately.  So I go in, look for a few items, and decide on a little wood TV tray I will be using as a bedside stand for my cool mist humidifier (CVS, best $30 I ever spent, FYI), and a 12 piece dish set because Hannah has a way of making dishes go boom.  I did not grab a cart as I wasn’t really sure I’d find something that would work.  I pick up the items, with my arms.  It hurt.  I am tired.  My hip muscles still feel like someone hit them with a bat.  My hip bone still feels like someone drilled into it, sucked blood & a core sample of marrow out of it (oh wait, someone did).  But you know what, I COULD do it.  It wasn’t fun.  I took the two items out to the Jeep.  As I am walking toward it, some 700 pound asshole motors by me with a few Little Debbie items sticking out of his bag in the basket of one of those handicapped electric carts to his Ford F98750, which he has to CLIMB up into after he HOPS up out of the electric cart.  No handicapped placard, or license plate on the truck o’ genital compensation.  He is parked in a regular spot, all be it as close as one can get without being handicapped.  He leaves the electric cart sitting there and speeds away.  I have not yet reached the Jeep as I did not circle the lot for an hour looking for the closest spot.  I feel pretty satisfied knowing that I am not that guy.  I don’t NEED the electric carts, I leave them for the people who do.  That guy clearly didn’t need them either.  It is clear he is someone who has just given up.  

So the Colorado guy,  Or should I say the Colorado piece of shit.  He decides he can’t hack it as a PhD candidate, drops out, and decides that the only way he will be remembered is for killing helpless innocents in a packed theater.  Famous for being a hated asshole.  Wow, congratulations asshole.  You win.  The world hates you.  Why, when you decided to give up, did you just not give up all the way and take yourself out?  You didn’t show us anything we haven’t seen before.  You were too weak to make it in society.  A society that will move on after they inject you, by the way.  You little weak ass pussy couldn’t make it in your field of study and so you think you need to show how cool you are by killing people?  And guess what?  You look like a little bitch.  In my weakened state, I am near certain I would fuck you up without your weapons.  So you gave up, good for you.  Wish you would have done it sooner, without hurting all those people and their loved ones, but guess what?  You aren’t the Joker.  You aren’t Bane.  You will either die soon or rot in prison.  No elaborate escapes, no henchman working on your behalf.  No one fears you, they just want a few minutes in a room with you so they can do to you what you should have done to yourself when you made your first attempt at giving up.  

So is this one of those, “life isn’t fair when there are bad people like that and good people suffer” posts?  Nope.  Life never has been fair.  People can suck.  

This post is simple.  I am physically sick.  I am not giving up.  I am going to fight against whatever is going to make me suffer.  I am seeing doctors for help with this.  

People with mental illness need to seek help.  Their friends and families need to help with that.  They can’t give up.  Even if it means giving up one life in order to prevent them from giving up on letting others live.

I may have an illness, but I’m not going to just give up.  When you do, that is when you’re just sick.